Meh In My Monday
I know Monday is when I’m supposed to come in with a Marvelous In My Monday post and recap my marvelous weekend, negative thoughts and anxieties in all. I know I’m supposed to use MIMM posts as a way to remind myself of the marvelous in my life that I’m lucky to have – and then that’s supposed to cheer me up. But I really don’t feel like going that route today because I’m just feeling so meh. I have a lot of crap weighing on my mind, and it’s not all ED/recovery related. Instead of focusing on the marvelous to distract myself, I really just want to talk about it all and get it off my chest. So that’s what I’m going to do.
But I guess I’ll get the food/fitness stuff out of the way. My week last week was the most meh workout week I’ve had in a long time. I had work-related events going on a couple of evenings, plus Marathon Monday and plans Friday night, so the only day I was able to do an after-work gym session (which means my beloved group fitness) was Tuesday. That was great but the other days of the week were morning workouts, no classes, and by the end of the week I was just so over it. I have a hard time motivating myself without classes and getting wrapped up in anxiety about not working “hard enough” without a class only makes me feel less motivated to push myself.
Thursday I went out with coworkers after work and had an awesome time but woke up at 3AM with 1.5 hour long insomnia. When my alarm went off for the gym – another solo session – I debated for a bit and decided to say screw it. Rest day for me. Well I never went back to sleep despite the fact that I felt EXHAUSTED, which only made me feel lazy for skipping the gym. Thankfully my mood improved a bit after I skipped out on Friday afternoon wine tasting at work and also walked two miles to meet Annie for dinner (all the while phone chatting with Kaitlin).
And I got home early enough Friday night to get up at 8AM on Saturday and do a 15 minute stair climb and arm/ab workout before working the Eat Drink RI festival in Providence, RI. Which was a ton of fun, because I got to see Rachel/Steve and Jeff/Alison. We even grabbed a drink after the event at a fabulous cocktail bar called Eddy. But I also ate and drank a lot at the event. And I went out after I got back to Boston, because I didn’t want to sit in my apartment all evening and dwell over what I ate and drank. And going out made me feel like crap about myself yesterday. So did choosing Zumba over spin – a “less hard” cardio session.
So yeah, I just feel like I’ve gained weight since I moved to Boston and that I’m only going to keep doing so because I go out more than I used to and I don’t work out as hard as I used to and I don’t like how my body looks at all. That run-on sentence sums up how I felt this weekend.
Then there’s money stresses. I know I have plenty saved up from living at home for so long but I still can’t stand spending my money. I’m working on getting the hang of knowing how much food to cook for myself each week, how many groceries to buy, etc. This past week I ended up with an excess and was able to freeze leftover prepared stuff but I threw out about $6 worth of food – moldy fruit and veggies. It makes me feel so guilty! I know I’m still in a trial and error stage and money anxieties are nothing close to those I feel about my body image and weight. But I’d still rather not be dealing with them.
This next one is hard to explain. I’m just not having a lot of confidence in myself when it comes to reaching out to friends to make plans. Whenever I get turned down if I ask someone if he or she wants to hang out, I feel like an idiot for asking in the first place. Especially if I’m looking to go out on a weekend night and I text a few people, and they all don’t feel like going out or already have other plans. I know that really shouldn’t affect me and says nothing about ME, but I tend to let it make me feel that it does. Especially when I feel like with some people, I’m always the one asking him or her to hang out. It makes me paranoid that I’m just being annoying and should back off.
Whenever someone asks me to make plans I try to tuck that away and tell myself, okay Caitlin, people like hanging out with you, look at that! I sound so pathetic right now and even as I type this I am feeling embarrassed but this paranoia and fear of what people think of me has always been something I’ve struggled with. I just feel like it’s more than ever lately. Maybe it’s a result of not always having my go-to backup (though often they are first choice) hangout buddies – my parents! – around anymore since I’ve moved. Maybe it’s a result of me being less introverted than I used to be – or less afraid of going out – and I’m just wanting to make plans more often. So therefore I would get turned down more often. Right?
I’m gonna end this there, because that paranoia is creeping in right now and I feel like I sound like a nut. But I’m glad that I just took this post as a chance to get out the meh. New week. New workouts. New plans. New opportunities. Let’s kill it.
Are you feeling marvelous or meh on this Monday?
Can you relate to any of this post?